colleen

… OR: I AM GLAD HUMAN BEINGS ARE CAPABLE OF MAKING THESE THINGS SO THAT I CAN USE THEM.
I have said this a few times already: I am by no means a nerd, I have no background in anything remotely resembling the set of skills needed to build a synthesizer, but I do believe in educating myself and in the power of just marvelling at beautiful, truly well-made things. I will always be in awe of the fact that it’s *people* who have thought out this wonderfully complex and novel way of making sound, and found the means to turn their ideas into a reality, which we lay people can subsequently use.

I loved visiting the Moog factory when I performed at the Moog Soundlab back in November 2017 (cf my A Flame Variations EP recorded over there, to mark the end of the production of Moogerfoogers), and some of that magic was recaptured last week when I visited Mas Acoustics, Moog’s distributor and repair partner in Spain, on the occasion of my Grandmother needing a revision for scratchy pots. Mas Acoustics happen to be located in a small town north of Barcelona, so this was just perfect, and I asked Juan Berlanga, in charge of repairing units, if he could leave my unit open: not only did we need to doublecheck the new pots worked fine, I also wanted to see if perhaps we could do something to the reverb tank as my way of playing can be quite percussive and I sometimes felt I was getting a bit too much spring sound (the tank was smaller than I thought, and in the end, we decided against doing anything to cushion it, for fear of killing a sound that works so well).

Even though my understanding of these boards is extremely partial, I’m happy I can recognize the basic parts, and I figured that those of you who actually understand this stuff would enjoy looking at the innards of this amazing synth, so here goes…

Tantas gracias a todo el equipo de @masacoustics, Juan Berlanga en particular por la reparación y el trato inmejorable, y Jana Moreno por las fotos 1-6! Also massive thanks to @moogsynthesizers for their amazing gear and support, Jason Daniello @orgatroid in particular and Jack Burton.

Resigning from the job I trained for – English teacher – is perhaps the most important decision I’ve made in my entire life. I’ve hesitated to write this post, as I don’t want it to come across as “Look at me, I’m so smart/brave/whatever”, nor as an incentive to quit a day job to dedicate oneself to a supposedly more “noble”/cooler career. No. But I thought I would share a few thoughts on one of my favorite topics in life, mental health, and how this relates to work.

I resigned at the age of 31, in 2007, after a 1-year sabbatical during which I went in complete overdrive: my first Japan tour, making my 3rd album Les Ondes Silencieuses (my most challenging album in terms of recording – I couldn’t have done it without the help and expertise of my then mastering engineer Emiliano Flores), recording a dance score for choreographer Perrine Valli, and of course playing live (which I did way more back then).

Theoretically the sabbatical could have been renewed for a full total of 6 years, but this renewal was refused. I appealed. It was refused again. I resigned. I felt sure that I could handle being a musician full-time, and it was clear to me that it would be criminal not to live that incredible adventure.

Fast forward to 2008 and massive chronic stress had overtaken my life, in the form of a constant influx of emails I could never get on top of, constant struggle to get accounting and get paid by my label, constant red tape hassle and fear due to France being a country not at all suited to receiving multiple types of income from multiple countries, plus way too much travelling and its associated physical stressors… Add to that the fact that my 3rd album felt like the end of a musical journey, and there I was… A PROFESSIONAL MUSICIAN WITH A MASSIVE CREATIVE BLOCK, ON THE VERGE OF BURNOUT.

the lycée where I taught, looking gloomy, as it did… 3 hours of public transport, 3 different means of transport, 4 days a week. As far as I remember I was the only teacher coming by bus *with the pupils* , who clearly thought “Who is this loser without a car? “

There was a 6 year gap between my 3rd and 4th albums (2007-2013), and I wrote at length about this creative block and how I slowly recovered from it in a double post on my website in 2011, “A long account of why I’ve been silent” here and here.

This was pre-social media, and I got so many emails from people who said I was articulating exactly what they felt as creative freelancers.

Social media has now opened up a space for these topics, though only to a certain extent. Certainly financial problems between artists and labels seem to remain super taboo, mostly out of fear I think, and not just the fear of rubbing specific industry people the wrong way: it’s also the fear of coming across as a whiny artist – and perhaps of even mentioning finances at all?… And no, getting legal help, even if you are willing to pay, is not easy. I guess you could liken it to being bullied at work: is it illegal to bully someone at work? It is. Does it happen? It does. Is it easy to stop? No. Usually what happens is that the bullied person goes away, not the bully. Same with unethical labels: artists move on to other labels, in the hope of greener pastures.

I won’t get into the details of the many things that happened between 2011 and now, but finally, at 46, I’ve got a handle on my chronic stress problem: I do get stressed, but only occasionally and at normal levels. This hasn’t come about miraculously, and I would say is down to 1) working with a label that values me and treats me accordingly, Thrill Jockey 2) finally getting out of the contract with the previous label 3) having a more stable administrative situation 4) being *even* more drastic about what I take on 5) going to therapy.

Interestingly, I see that a lot of these factors could only come through time: I actually had to GET OLDER for a lot of this stuff to happen. Which is a good way to end this post, right? It CAN get better

Official reply to my resignation letter, asking me to confirm my decision in a super-patronizing and paternalistic tone… just in case I’m super dumb and accidentally resigned, y’know…