colleen

REFLECTIONS ON GOING BACK TO TOURING – EPILOGUE: THE FROZEN BRAIN OF THE RABBIT IN THE HEADLIGHTS, OR STILL LOOKING FOR THE WORK-LIFE BALANCE UNICORN.
Allow me to mix my animal metaphors for the closing post of this series.
I am ending with a cautionary tale, or rather the true story of how I completely failed to solve a relatively easy technical problem at the last show in Lisbon @galeriazedosbois . By then I was pretty tired, but also very confident (too confident perhaps?) and when I saw that I would have yet another new mixing desk model on that night, I not only did not particularly worry: I did not check the manual, thinking the Aux Send architecture (which is what’s really important in my live rig) would be the same as in the 6 other desks I used. Wrong. Through a combination of negligence on my part, weird desk architecture and integrated effects, I ended up with an extra delay throughout the show that really messed the rhythm on many songs and totally distracted me. I only solved the issue at the penultimate song.
It took me a full week to come to terms with the fact I had not been able to troubleshoot something obvious and simple, no matter how “unlucky” I’d been. I only managed to forgive myself once I understood the true cause *and* implication of this failure: like a rabbit caught in the headlights, my brain, after what have been several years of non-stop work, and in the extra stress of being on stage, just froze.
I did and do take this episode as a warning of sorts: yes it’s great to play live again, but I still have a tendency to overwork, it’s my default mode, and while it’s in great part what has enabled me to make music for all these years and make a living from it, I know it could end up once again working against me.
This takes me back to the work-life balance unicorn which I had written about at the time I had decided to give up live playing in 2021. It’s still a massive subject for me, one that holds a lot of questioning on how one can value oneself outside of work, even when one is lucky enough to have a true passion in life. The irony is not lost on me that this is yet more “work”, albeit of a different – and essential – kind.

Photos are of the Lisbon show at Galeria Ze Dos Bois on 16^th December 2023: 1-2 by Ricardo Almeida, 3-7 Eros Giuggia. Because the show was sold out and ZDB is very small, I invited the audience to join me on stage, and everybody was sooo kind and patient while I tried to control my mounting stress… I think photo 5 totally captures the moment in which I am looking at the mixing desk and thinking “what the hell could be wrong?”. Extra special thanks to Marçal Xirau, Olga and Caetana for bearing with my neurotic state after the show, and to Marçal for his opening show.

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